Erstwhile Okie on St. Mark's Place. "That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past."
Snippy person pulls over as I'm walking down the road and demands "WHICH WAY TO NEW YORK?!" I smile and throw my arms in the air and spin around: "MY FRIEND YOU'RE ALREADY HERE!!"
Averill: (Laughing hysterically watching Ernest Goes to Camp) Did you see Ernest launch that exploding toilet at the construction workers?? AHAHAHA!!
Me: Yeah, hehe.
Averill: He killed them all! AHAHAHAHA!
Me: Wh-- no, they... they all ran away. See? Ernest... Ernest didn't kill any--
Averill: AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a dad who had the car packed and running fifteen minutes ago pacing around and grumbling while the wife and kids drag themselves out of bed.
I've never been short on Tobias Funke moments, but felt particularly mortified by last night's when fighting to get Sammy in his diaper.
SAMMY: YOU'RE TOUCHING MY PRIVATES!
ME: DADDIES CAN TOUCH THEIR KIDS' PRIVATES ALL THEY WANT!
AVERILL: (Encouragingly from the peanut gallery) BECAUSE DADDIES ARE UNSTOPPABLE!
Passive aggressive bedtime prayer wars.
-Dear Lord, thank you for taking Averill's fever away so he can go back to school in the morning.
-Dear Lord, thank you for the fever and coughs I still have so I have to stay home again tomorrow.
For the past few days, upon waking (from nap or nighttime), Sammy will chuckle and say "I wake again".
"I drew Joseph pooping on his roof!"
--Averill when I came to collect him from Sunday school.
--(from bed) Daddy, can I have some lemonade?
--Of course not, go to sleep.
--Can I have some lemonade, please?
--You can have some water.
--With a little bit of lemonade mixed in?
--Just water.
--Okay. But will you pour it in my mouth while I sleep?
Eating the iPod
Jim and Bill are playing golf when a funeral procession passes. Jim takes off his hat and stands silent until the last car passes.
"Awfully decent of you," says Bill.
"Well hell Bill, I was married to her for 40 years."
You guys compost?
Yeah, but we just call it The Crisper Drawer.
· 1 min read
12 years ago
In the series finale of Curious George, I see the Man in the Yellow Hat, as always, walking into a room he has left George alone in, and finding total, wanton destruction, and the mock-innocent face of the monkey-devil. The last thread of patience tears within him, and in a slow-motion pan, he sprints across the room, catches George by the tail, and, as we hear Princess Turandot's voice soar to the climax of Diecimila anni al nostro Imperatore, George closes his eyes, holds his arms wide in an unmissable specter of Calvary and surrenders as the man swings him with full force through the air. He takes on a look of perfect, beatific peace as his skull explodes against the edge of a knocked-over bureau.
When leaving a restroom in a fancy restaurant, it is good to say loudly "Running out of paper towels in there!" because it makes people assume you washed your hands.
· 1 min read
13 years ago
FROM: BOSS
TO: COMPANY
Hey--which one of you awesome peeps brought in the blueberry muffins?!
FROM: LINDA
TO: BOSS
CC: COMPANY
That would be me! Enjoy! :D
FROM: BOSS
TO: LINDA
CC: COMPANY
AW! So sweet. Also super dry. What temp you bake them at? ;)
FROM: LINDA
TO: BOSS
CC: COMPANY
350... LOL
FROM: BOSS
TO: LINDA
CC: COMPANY
What, for 4 hours? :p
FROM: LINDA
TO: BOSS
CC: COMPANY
Uh, no. Just about 45 min. I can definitely get you the recipe! :D
FROM: BOSS
TO: LINDA
CC: COMPANY
Yeah, I'll pass. :|