Patrick Glendon McCullough
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Patrick Glendon McCullough
Patrick Glendon McCullough
1 years ago
A man in a suit expresses fear with the quote "Bane is the scariest guy I've ever seen in my life" in a scenic background

No idea why this stupid, inane thing had me laughing until I cried.

2 years ago
Tweet about finding a Tamagotchi with a wife and two daughters, mentioning a plumbing business in Scottsdale

This Tweet pops into my mind not-infrequently. 😂

3 years ago

My new go-to for giggles.

3 years ago
3 years ago

Gave me quite a laugh.

4 years ago
Tweet about lifting weights and uplifting spirits with humor, including quotes "I squat 315" and "I bench press 225

#tomfoolery

4 years ago
Man holding a lightbox sign that reads "BRAINSTATION NYC POWER HOUR" while eating a snack in a modern office space

A lot of people might look at this picture and say "Big deal, it's a guy eating a cookie" but what they don't realize is this is actually the fifth cookie I took during the work meeting today.

4 years ago
Text on a page reads, "truth, cher ami, is a colossal bore" with the number 101 at the bottom
I can find some fun lines in here. Camus?
4 years ago
Starship crew discusses temperature settings, leading to a humorous exchange about tea and heat levels
This made me lol.
5 years ago
Guess Who? is way more fun with completely subjective questions. "How many DUIs does your person have?" "Does your person pretend their partner is just their roommate in front of their grandparents?"
6 years ago
Naming different animals to Sammy and asking for him to do an impression. Then I say "what about a bird?" and he says "what about a bird? ... I'm a parrot."
6 years ago
Excitedly reading the 10th GOOSEBUMPS to my kids. Kids: (confused and annoyed) Does anyone ever die in these?
6 years ago
--Sammy, thank you for throwing your trash on the ground for me to pick up! --Daddy, you're sarcastic all the time but I don't mind.
7 years ago
Snippy person pulls over as I'm walking down the road and demands "WHICH WAY TO NEW YORK?!" I smile and throw my arms in the air and spin around: "MY FRIEND YOU'RE ALREADY HERE!!"
7 years ago
--Sammy, you smell like cheese. --Thanks.
7 years ago
--Nice piece of coaching, Jimmy. Especially in the 5th inning when you scratched your balls for an hour. --Yeah, well, anything worth doing is worth doing right. --Yes, indeed.Until you did that, I couldn't tell if you were drunk or dead.
7 years ago
--I’m Johnny Two Hats, why do you think they call me that? --Is it because you’ve got two hats on? --Bingo.
7 years ago
"Hank, Bobby and me have decided he's gonna stick vegetables up his nose. He's not gonna take over the family gas station."
7 years ago
Averill: (Laughing hysterically watching Ernest Goes to Camp) Did you see Ernest launch that exploding toilet at the construction workers?? AHAHAHA!! Me: Yeah, hehe. Averill: He killed them all! AHAHAHAHA! Me: Wh-- no, they... they all ran away. See? Ernest... Ernest didn't kill any-- Averill: AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!
7 years ago
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a dad who had the car packed and running fifteen minutes ago pacing around and grumbling while the wife and kids drag themselves out of bed.
8 years ago
"You are RIGHT, Mr. Fettucine!"
8 years ago
SAM: Daddy, look at this mole. --That's your nipple. --I have nipples?
· 1 min read
8 years ago
HANK: Bobby, I never thought I'd need to tell you this, but I would be a bad parent if I didn't. Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep them busy while their husbands did the cooking. BOBBY: Why do you have to hate what you don't understand? HANK: I don't hate you, Bobby. BOBBY: I meant soccer. HANK: Oh. Oh, yeah, I hate soccer. Yes.
8 years ago
I've never been short on Tobias Funke moments, but felt particularly mortified by last night's when fighting to get Sammy in his diaper. SAMMY: YOU'RE TOUCHING MY PRIVATES! ME: DADDIES CAN TOUCH THEIR KIDS' PRIVATES ALL THEY WANT! AVERILL: (Encouragingly from the peanut gallery) BECAUSE DADDIES ARE UNSTOPPABLE!
8 years ago
Train set packaging featuring multiple toy trains and the text "FOUR COLORS OF THE STYLE" and "AGES 3+
#engrish at the Casey Jones Museum gift shop
9 years ago
Man and child smiling outdoors with a painted face, in front of a building surrounded by greenery
I got a pumpkin on my cheek.
· 1 min read
9 years ago
--What are you just staring at me for, bro? I turned myself into a pickle, Morty. --And? --And? What more do you want tacked onto this? I turned myself into a pickle and 9/11 was an inside job? --Was it?? --Who cares Morty? Global acts of terrorism happen every day. Uh, here's something that's never happened before: I'M A PICKLE.
9 years ago
Child in a green shirt and cap smiling while reaching towards a pig in a pen
In Soviet Russia, pig eats you.
9 years ago
Passive aggressive bedtime prayer wars. -Dear Lord, thank you for taking Averill's fever away so he can go back to school in the morning. -Dear Lord, thank you for the fever and coughs I still have so I have to stay home again tomorrow.
10 years ago
How can Mascots be so terrible? Is Christopher Guest messing with us?
10 years ago
For the past few days, upon waking (from nap or nighttime), Sammy will chuckle and say "I wake again".
10 years ago
"I drew Joseph pooping on his roof!" --Averill when I came to collect him from Sunday school.
11 years ago
--(from bed) Daddy, can I have some lemonade? --Of course not, go to sleep. --Can I have some lemonade, please? --You can have some water. --With a little bit of lemonade mixed in? --Just water. --Okay. But will you pour it in my mouth while I sleep?
11 years ago
That Slurms sure loved to party
11 years ago
Gray Honda parked in snow with a snow-covered roof and visible license plate "EMW-3265
I think my car looks like Hitler
11 years ago
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.
11 years ago
I can never remember that Jonestown joke. The punchline's too long.
11 years ago
Either a pitched gun battle is taking place across the street or the wood I just tossed on the fire is damper than I realized.
11 years ago
Close-up of a baby’s face with wide-open mouth and visible nose, expressing surprise or excitement
Eating the iPod
11 years ago
The late-working crews of the Sodor Search and Rescue Center are astonished to see Sir Topham Hatt tearing down the rails in his rail car Winston, completely nude apart from his top hat.
11 years ago
Knock knock. Who's there? To. To who? *To whom.
12 years ago
My favorite part of Christmas is referring to "Home Alone" as "Home Alone 1" because it drives Leila crazy.
12 years ago
Yabba dabba fruitylicious too. Ho ho ho I'm hu-hu-hungry... Barney? Santa!
12 years ago
Children sitting at a table with a toy chainsaw and snacks, one child smiling while holding the toy
Hope nobody calls me out on having a chainsaw at the table
12 years ago
Mr. Putter and his fine cat Tabby were enjoying a pot of cinnamon tea and some kiwi jam when the phone rang. "What." said Mr. Putter flatly into the receiver. It was Mr. Putter's neighbor Mrs. Teaberry. "I have an idea!" she exclaimed. Mr. Putter hung up the phone. "Oh Tabby, I wish she would just die."
12 years ago
It used to be called a Jumpoline until your mother tried it.
12 years ago
Jim and Bill are playing golf when a funeral procession passes. Jim takes off his hat and stands silent until the last car passes. "Awfully decent of you," says Bill. "Well hell Bill, I was married to her for 40 years."
12 years ago
Where is my dinner?
12 years ago
You guys compost? Yeah, but we just call it The Crisper Drawer.
· 1 min read
12 years ago
In the series finale of Curious George, I see the Man in the Yellow Hat, as always, walking into a room he has left George alone in, and finding total, wanton destruction, and the mock-innocent face of the monkey-devil. The last thread of patience tears within him, and in a slow-motion pan, he sprints across the room, catches George by the tail, and, as we hear Princess Turandot's voice soar to the climax of Diecimila anni al nostro Imperatore, George closes his eyes, holds his arms wide in an unmissable specter of Calvary and surrenders as the man swings him with full force through the air. He takes on a look of perfect, beatific peace as his skull explodes against the edge of a knocked-over bureau.
12 years ago
Baby wearing a yellow animal hat smiles while being held and wrapped in a blanket
If you're gonna spew, spew on this
12 years ago

PRECIOUS: [9:00pm, putting 2.5yo to sleep] "Daddy, stay in my bed a little bit."

NIGHTMARISH: [11:00pm, slipping out of 2.5yo's bed and feeling something grab the back of my shirt collar] "Daddy, where do you think you are going?"

12 years ago
I will know I have become an old man when I finally call the sheriff on the camp counselors that arrive in town in the summer and set off fireworks on Main Street after getting out of the bar at midnight. I predict I will be an old man sometime tomorrow.
12 years ago
Since the way little kids react to tripping/falling seems to be so largely based on your reaction, I've gotten into the habit of laughing every time Averill takes a spill in order to show him it's not a big deal. This has evolved into the awkward reflex of laughing loudly every time I see a child hurt themselves.
12 years ago
Man in the Yellow Hat to-do list: 1. Wake up 2. Leave George unattended 3. Go to bed
12 years ago
When leaving a restroom in a fancy restaurant, it is good to say loudly "Running out of paper towels in there!" because it makes people assume you washed your hands.
13 years ago
--If we paid you a little bit more, Jimmy, do you think you could be just a little more disgusting? --Well, I could certainly use the money.
13 years ago
Averill watches Mighty Machines--a Canadian kids program that shows real footage of big trucks and other equipment while voice over actors pretend to be the machines. They constantly use lame puns, but for all the dump trucks, they have never once said "gotta' take a dump!" It's maddening.
13 years ago
Riding on my shoulders, Averill grabbed my hair with both hands and leaned back with all his weight. It was extraordinary. I nearly passed out.
· 1 min read
13 years ago
If I was a motivational speaker, I would start my presentation by having extended mic/speaker difficulties and finally toss the mic aside and bellow "Heck, I don't need that thing. Can you hear me?" And everyone would cheer, and I'd launch into my spiel and almost instantly drop off my volume level until some people start yelling intermittently "can't hear you in the back", etc... And I'd raise my volume, but inevitably have it drop off again, then finally go pick the mic back up and start trying to get it to work again.
· 1 min read
13 years ago
They should make a movie in which every character is played by a totally jacked body builder, but it's never alluded to. Maybe it's about some totally jacked overworked hedge fund manager and his totally jacked wife who is always hanging out with her zany best friend who is totally jacked but then one day the hedge fund manager's totally jacked estranged father is on his death bed and upon returning to his small hometown, he learns what really matters in life via the off-color wisdom of the elderly totally jacked town barber. You really have to visualize it. Like these guys can't even put their arms down all the way and yet no one seems to notice it and they're never seen exercising and they sit around in restaurants sipping wine in suits that look like they're about to burst.
13 years ago
Someone told me that Averill had been described to them as "that baby who dresses like his dad". Sorry, kid.
· 1 min read
13 years ago
FROM: BOSS TO: COMPANY Hey--which one of you awesome peeps brought in the blueberry muffins?! FROM: LINDA TO: BOSS CC: COMPANY That would be me! Enjoy! :D FROM: BOSS TO: LINDA CC: COMPANY AW! So sweet. Also super dry. What temp you bake them at? ;) FROM: LINDA TO: BOSS CC: COMPANY 350... LOL FROM: BOSS TO: LINDA CC: COMPANY What, for 4 hours? :p FROM: LINDA TO: BOSS CC: COMPANY Uh, no. Just about 45 min. I can definitely get you the recipe! :D FROM: BOSS TO: LINDA CC: COMPANY Yeah, I'll pass. :|
16 years ago
I now understand that my death will result from bending an air guitar note so hard that I suffer a brain aneurysm.