Erstwhile Okie on St. Mark's Place. "That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past."
Things are such a persistent mess. My car got towed again for unpaid tickets, need to deal with that. Pete Alonso got his 300th home run at Citi Field as an Oriole, and the fans stood and cheered for their own team losing. Learned my older kid has a heart murmur, which I guess is normal and common but makes me so angry. It would be so on-brand for the best person I know who does everything right to drop dead while I persist. My last living grandparent was the one who sat in his armchair chain smoking and being miserable.
Chatting with him about his appointment with the cardiologist and the fight his mother and I were having about it, he said it's a stupid situation and I said that life is a series of stupid situations and he said "No, life is a test to remain faithful to God." I was moved. I know he got that idea from me. I'm lucky he listens to me rather than watches, and hears rather than feels, which was the trap Isaac fell into when Jacob put goat skin on his arms and neck to steal Esau's blessing.
I owe work and money to so many people. It's overwhelming and it's always going to be this way. Nothing is ever going to be any better and one day I'll be old and look back on this era and wish I could live it again. I am going up to Schuyler Falls Sunday night to spend a few days in a cabin. Poor little rich boy.
Last night's dreams:
1. I bought a grape vine from a hardware store and planted it on the edge of the woods beside my old house upstate. In the morning I went back and hundred of fully ripe white grapes had grown. I was shocked and thrilled thinking I could make my own winery. So I bought a large bucket and put the grapes in there and figured I'd keep filling it with the daily harvest and maybe it would all just liquify and ferment naturally. But the next day I saw other people had started using it to store other things like cheese and cucumbers. I was annoyed.
2. I was in the mountains with a couple of cousins and my grandmother's 1993 Buick Century, which she gave to me in 2001 to be my first car. It wouldn't start so I tried jumping it; the battery wires for some reason were in the backseat. I attached the black and red clips to the wires I thought they went to and it sparked like crazy so I switched them around but it still sparked like crazy. I put them back on the wires I thought were correct and it still sparked wildly but I figured that's just how it was. Shouted to one cousin to try and start the car, quick, because the sparks were burning the interior and melting through the wires. But she had wandered off and said she was coming back but didn't, so it just kept sparking and burning and melting. Eventually there was no wire left to connect to but the car started and we got on our way.
3. I drew a picture of a roller coaster and was able to use AI to turn it into a lifelike video of the roller coaster running and felt pretty pleased with myself. I was able to then ride in the roller coaster and I was beside a girl and whenever she moved her head it glitched and disconnected from her elongated neck briefly.
An exhausting weekend. Having apparently not gotten hiking out of his system after a summer full of it at camp, my older son was dead set on a big hike in the Catskills with his best friends. The hang up seemed to be that none of the parents were willing to drive them to the trailhead, so I told him I would. Ultimately though, neither of his friends were allowed to go at all. They are both only children with parents the same age as my parents, so they are protective. I told him I would be too if I didn't have a backup son. So he asked if I would do it with him. I've never had the least interest in hiking but I agreed. I needed to pick him up at 5am to fit the 16 mile hike into the day, which meant that on Thursday night I tried to go to sleep at 9, then woke before one in the morning Friday to head out. The streets were still fairly crowded with bar crawlers. But I felt reasonably well rested and made it upstate with time to spare. Then we drove the hour and a half to Slide Mountain, the tallest in the Catskills. It was tiring, but not terribly, and we got a couple of decent views. Mostly he jetted off ahead of me and I walked alone. He's much fitter than I am and better at just about everything. Watching him quickly disappear ahead of me seemed like some sort of metaphor for raising children. Phoenicia doesn't really support Lyft or Uber, so I had connected with some woman ahead of time who drives. But when we got to the end of the trail, there was no cell signal to tell her to come get us. Luckily, a very kind couple offered to drive us back to the trailhead. I dropped my son off at a distillery in Roscoe to meet up with his mom and her boyfriend, then I drove to Monticello and got a room at the Hampton Inn. I was terribly sore and obviously cheated on my fast after a 16 mile hike, gorging myself on microwaveable garbage from the hotel lobby. The next morning I picked the boys up and drove home. A generally uneventful weekend. Catch at Peters Field, buying a guppy for my younger son's pet snake to eat, Door Dash, watched Pulp Fiction then got to introduce my older son to Eric Stoltz at church the next day, since he's a regular parishioner. I was ushering and he left a little early so I followed him out and asked the question I always ask of successful people: was there ever a moment when you felt like you'd made it. He said no. Afterwards, the elderly Priest who had presented Sammy for his confirmation finally was able to give him and Averill the prayer books he had gotten them. He took us up to the altar and blessed them. At some point I discovered my ex had removed me from her followers on Instagram. It hurt a little but was probably inevitable. On our first date she teased me that Americans all think they are special and I said that I am in fact special. I hold onto that so it's hard to feel unimportant and replaceable though I guess we all ultimately are. I drove the boys back upstate and arrived early enough that Averill and I had a half hour to play catch in the parking lot at the top of the hill. Hugged them goodbye and told them I loved them then filled up the car at the gas station in Fosterdale. Sat in the grass on the periphery of the station feeling like I didn't have it in me to drive another two and a half hours home. Swearing that once the boys go off to college I will never drive again. But I managed. And came home and got into bed early. I had messaged my ex last night saying I was sad she had disconnected on Instagram and that it was hard to believe it's coming up on a year since we met. She didn't respond but I saw she looked at my Instagram story; a picture of Sammy sleeping on the couch. It feels like the hike, glimpses of Averill as he goes on ahead until I can't see him anymore and I'm just trodding along a path I was never interested in to begin with. Everyone moving faster and more purposefully than me who is just sore and tired and bored. Everyone elusive.
Bit of burn-out and discouragement and also annoyed to have to go to bed early during the very rare occasion of having Sammy all week, so I skipped the gym this morning. Will get back tomorrow...
@justpaddles it goes by even faster than the video makes it seem. The weekend's moral is that our fathers and baseball teams might lose more than they win but there's plenty of folks that keep rooting for them because they're ours. #weekenddad #letsgomets ♬ original sound - Lina
Got to introduce the boys to Hot Pot at a Northwestern Chinese place just a couple of doors down.
Monopoly over dinner.
Christmas card photo shoot after church.
Looked online for batting cages and was fortunate to find a place called Costa's in Hawley, Penn. Super reasonable day pass included water slides, mini golf, driving range, go karts, and more!
A fun day including a day of Central Park sporting, and a photo op at Tompkins Square Park with my visiting mom, a Tompkins.
Fun times on all the rides at Coney Island with my little adrenaline junkie.
Reunited and getting him the fried chicken from Blue Ribbon for which he had apparently longed while at summer camp.
Last time I'll see him before he's back from Summer Camp in Maine.
Once in awhile I'll Google old forebears to see if any new information has been digitized. Today I found a notice in the February 23, 1906 issue of The Newnan News announcing that my 4x-great-grandfather Thomas A. McCullough had been nominated for treasurer of Coweta County, Georgia. He would have been eighty.
· 1 min read
3 years ago
First day really back in the swing of things. Re: New Year's Resolutions, ran 1 mile at 7mph on the treadmill. Possible McSweeney's idea inspired by my eight-year-old gifting me a mug for Christmas with a picture of a grinning donut inscribed "Donut Know What I'd Do Without My Dad". Overly earnest thank-you note from estranged father reflecting on his own father's murder. "I too might once have thought I donut know what I'd do".
· 1 min read
4 years ago
Sundays in the Park with Sammy 👦
Being that he is just like his dad, my younger son is exhausting. But I savored the opportunity to have a weekend in NYC just the two of us. It involved Macy's, street pretzels, a touristy theater-district Italian restaurant, trains & automobiles, a Christmas Sherlock/Scrooge crossover play, breakfast pastries, Grant's Tomb, and the picnic game for the drives to and from upstate.
I'm going to a picnic and I'm bringing an anaconda, butt crackers, a cow turd, a big basket of dog butt juice, an eagle feather, a fertility clinic, a gun, a Hiroshima bomb, an imbecile, a judge, a kangaroo, a little book about your mom, a marshmallow, a nifty eyebrow, an oopsie-doopsie, a pro man pro go-go man, a queen bee, a rat zit, a stupid man, tighty-whiteys (sic), an under the porcelain throne camera, a vaccine for your-mom-aphobia, a wicked butt rash, an x-ray that is funny from "Daddy's Home" that means he won't get much privacy, your mom's balls, and Zachary Legend tenticle-punched your mom in the balls so hard she got thrown into a galaxy far, far away [sing Universal intro theme], Fox Production.
· 1 min read
4 years ago
With a forecast for a sunny, 70° weekend, I decided to bring the boys down to NYC. Hit up a sushi place for dinner and a creperie for breakfast (both of which are on my block, neither of which I'd tried...), visited my classroom where Sammy explained my notes to me, and enjoyed Italian ices in Tompkins Square Park. 10/10.
I always mean to get a picture of the boys after the service before they tear out of their church clothes.
· 1 min read
4 years ago
Happy belated birthday. Felt strange posting birthday wishes while we weren't together, you at summer camp out west, me back here. But you don't visit this site anyway. Like the Mona Lisa you are inscrutable and very expensive. The fact that you are just like me is alarming but also makes me love you all the more, always. Thanks for being the Sammy I never knew I needed so badly.
I don't usually go out and do cute New York City things, but my son wrote me from summer camp asking if I could send along a cookie and I figured I'd do one better than a roll of Oreos and had fun running down to this sweet little bakery around the corner from my office.
Younger son decided to open a medical practice in his bedroom. Also offers dental and hair styling services and will put deodorant on you upon request.
Got to take a weekend trip to Morristown, just Sammy and me, over the weekend. Stayed in a hotel, always a thrill for a kid, then toured the Morristown Revolutionary War encampment (Sammy pictured in one of the "hutts" that housed 12 troops), as well as Washington's Headquarters and the Jabez Campfield House.
Kenneth Glenn McCullough was a great guy and worth remembering. A great dad. Would have been 63 today.
My great-uncle Roy.
· 1 min read
5 years ago
Long been a fan of Jean-Pierre Jeunet, so when I recently learned he'd made a kid's movie that slipped under my radar (The Young and Prodigious T. S. Spivet), I watched it with my sons. Sammy was delighted by a scene in which the title character evades capture by posing as a cardboard cutout, and he now constantly mimics it.
My girls.
Heir.
Happy 9th birthday. I love you more every day.
i hop mi dad liks you
· 1 min read
7 years ago
Hi all--my son's artwork (pictured) was on display at @[315158555299219:274:Peck's Market] in Callicoon over the weekend for Artwalk. Apparently, a gentleman came in to inquire about the pieces contributed by Sullivan West students, and thinking they were available to take, took this one. It was in a black frame. If you took it, no hard feelings--you have excellent taste!--I can understand that there was obviously just some confusion. But please return it to Peck's or shoot me a message. I really want to get it back.
What in the hell have you been telling my son? If I stole all that land, would I be living on a dang eighth of an acre?
AVERILL: When I have a son, I'm going to name him Sam Houston E. Lee McCullough
SAM: I'm going to name my son Fire Squat.
"Hank, Bobby and me have decided he's gonna stick vegetables up his nose. He's not gonna take over the family gas station."
Belated Averill birthday Woodloch getaway, Day 1.
Trying to clean out an old binder and found this picture of my granddad Glendon McCullough hanging with Jimmy and Gerald.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a dad who had the car packed and running fifteen minutes ago pacing around and grumbling while the wife and kids drag themselves out of bed.
Boompa teaching Averill how to mount and paint the soldiers he got for Christmas. Both Averill's grandfathers were army officers who grew up playing with soldiers.
· 1 min read
8 years ago
Tracked down and reached out to a cousin in trying (endlessly) to flesh out a fuller picture of my great-grandfather Ward McCullough and his people.
One of his sisters, named Clyde, was the only one in his bunch who managed to stay out of the papers. A great-aunt I got to know had a photo of her and said that her Aunt Clyde would have been welcome in their home, which was a rare distinction among her father's siblings.
But she left Georgia for Mississippi and no one seemed to have heard any more from her. In finding her grandson, I asked what he remembered of her; if she ever mentioned her family. The recollection he offered was limited, but I was really taken with it: "We lived in Pascagoula and she loved to fish. She, my mother & I would walk to the pier where Mama Clyde would put out 2 crab nets baited with chicken necks. We fished with cane poles, caught flounder, sheepshead, speckled trout."
Such an idyllic gloaming to what have must have been a fraught and tumultuous life.
· 3 min read
8 years ago
85 years ago today, my great-great grandfather was a day away from his appointment with the electric chair in Milledgeville, Georgia. He had been convicted of a murder he committed shortly after his release from a twenty-year stint for manslaughter. He had not seen one of his youngest sons, Roy, since he had been a toddler, but Roy, a prominent member of the Dixie Mafia known as "the Candy Kid", happened to be an inmate in the same prison where his father was to be executed, and officials permitted them a visit.
*****************************
MCCULLOUGH SOBS IN DEATH CELL AS FATHER, SON MEET AFTER 21 YEARS
STATE PRISON FARM, MILLEDGEVILLE, Ga., Aug 24.--(AP)--An old man, slightly bent, with haggard features and tear-dimmed eyes, looked through the bars of the death cell here this afternoon to say "hello and good-bye" to a son he had not seen in 21 years.
He was Andrew McCullough, Fayette county man who is to die in the electric chair tomorrow, and the son was Roy. The meeting was brief; they clasped hands, a few words were spoken, and then they were separated. Roy himself is a prisoner, serving a short sentence for a misdemeanor.
But the meeting broke down the restraint of the father. He sobbed, and when he spoke of the meeting afterwards he said "it meant a lot to me."
"It meant my children love me," he continued. "I thought they'd turned against me. But now I understand. We all understand."
The condemned man appeared to realize that there was no hope of a stay of the execution and he fought against it, sometimes excitedly inquiring whether there was any point of law in his case that could be again reviewed by the courts, and at other times weeping silently and praying for mercy.
He said he had been given the best of food but could not eat. He had a good bed, but could not sleep. He had prayed but could find no comfort.
"I want to find Christ. I want to have courage to face that ordeal tomorrow," he moaned, "but it seems that I can't."
"I feel all right about everything and everybody, but there's one thing worrying me.
"I wonder if in the eyes of God, a man is as guilty if he kills a man unintentionally as he would be if he did it intentionally?
"I know I didn't kill the man they charge me with doing. It was impossible. I shot from the front and he was hit in the side. But if the bullet hit a rock or something and glanced and hit him, I wonder if the Great Judge would call me a murderer?"
It was a dramatic moment this afternoon when Roy McCullough was taken to the death house.
As he stepped to the iron inclosure where his father sat, there was a tense, anxious expression on his face. The father did not move, but he looked closely at the stalwart young man appeared in front of him. "Roy?" he inquired.
"Yes, papa," the young man replied.
Then he grasped the old man's hand. He cried out or whispered something in reply to words his father had spoken.
In a few minutes they said good bye.
"I was so glad for a moment or two I couldn't think of nothing to say," McCullough related afterward. "I hadn't seen Roy in 21 years--and it took this (he motioned to the small gray door that led to the chamber where the electric chair awaits him) to bring us together again."
McCullough has been sentenced to death for the slaying of William B. Baker, former president of the Atlantic Ice and Coal Corporation, of Atlanta. The shooting occurred in Fayette county in September, last year. Alvin McCullough, one of the condemned man's sons, is serving a life sentence for participation in the same murder.
The Wayne County Fair is one of the things I look forward to the most every year. The most deliriously happy I ever see the boys.
Giddy Sammy rolling down the hill during Averill's tball practice.
I've never been short on Tobias Funke moments, but felt particularly mortified by last night's when fighting to get Sammy in his diaper.
SAMMY: YOU'RE TOUCHING MY PRIVATES!
ME: DADDIES CAN TOUCH THEIR KIDS' PRIVATES ALL THEY WANT!
AVERILL: (Encouragingly from the peanut gallery) BECAUSE DADDIES ARE UNSTOPPABLE!
Saying goodnight to a five-year-old Averill for the last time. You made a lot of amazing strides this year and I couldn't be prouder to be your dad.
Seems like in my day, the most egregious offense in all of kid-dom was to leave an unfinished soda can lying about. This morning, I found the orange soda I'd bought for Sammy only about a quarter consumed and thought "thank Goodness he didn't drink the whole thing."
Sammy really took to the ice!
--What will happen if I run into the road?
--You'll get squished like a pancake and die.
--Then what?
--You'll meet your grandfather and say "Hello, I'm Samuel Glendon McCullough."
--No I won't.
--Why not?
--Because I'll be in the ground in a cemetery.
--Not your soul.
--What about my privates and my bottom?
--Eh... in the ground, yeah.
--Good night, Sammy. I love you.
--I'm Spiderman.
--Good night, Spiderman. I love you.
--I love you, too.
If you went to the funeral of a loved one, and the person officiating said the deceased left a DVD that he wished to have played at the service, and it turned out just to be SPACE JAM, would you sit through the whole thing?
Cousins
Averill and his cousin Gemma.
Averill bought me a hat that says #1 Dad
Dapper Sam, ready for Sunday School.
Took the boys to a 1.5' pool with a slide on a beautiful sunny day. Thought it would be years before I could sit in a deck chair reading a novel, but it happened today!
Averill's last TBall game of the year. I like how you can see the tee moving and the ball staying in place.
Backyard camp out
Grandma reading a bedtime book and Uncle Roger in the background.
Averill has been on a Davy Crockett kick and found a way to involve Sammy in the game, since the villain of the Alamo was Santa.
Mother's Day Pancake Breakfast
Averill's feeling better. Sammy's turn!😂😂😬😐😕😢😴
Church, then playing ball in the yard. Over-the-top Murica.
Inside (watching Sammy's recent favorite: Disney's Legend of Sleepy Hollow)
Passive aggressive bedtime prayer wars.
-Dear Lord, thank you for taking Averill's fever away so he can go back to school in the morning.
-Dear Lord, thank you for the fever and coughs I still have so I have to stay home again tomorrow.
Mim reading a pre-bed book to Sammy.
When Vivi and Averill commandeer my iPod and take a picture of me.
Leila and Sam playing a game at the Callicoon Center Greek Festival
· 1 min read
10 years ago
My cousin was kind enough to send me some Coweta County earth before Averill was born so I could have it under the bed he was born on to technically avoid him being the first McCullough born on northern soul. It's been in a jar for those many years and I took off the lid today after noticing something growing. Crazy how endurant life is.
Last TBall game of the season, Averill got his medal.
Boompa Reading his beloved Happy Hollisters to Averill. Back to New York in the morning!
Been interested in the Mayflower of late as I (as self-appointed family genealogist) have been proofing all of the missus' descent from Elder Brewster, so I picked up a book on the Mayflower for my vacation reading and was struck by this direct admonition to my sons, here addressed by Bradford. A latter day testament.
Averill introducing his great-grandfather to Thomas the Tank Engine.
$4.50 popcorn with Gemma as we wait for Shamu to appear
RIP to my GGGG-grandfather, dead 108 years today.
Mom looks a lot like her mom.
Averill didn't want to leave the cape Sunday and said he would only get in the car if I let him do a face swap. So it's not my fault.
We don't need mommy or big brother to enjoy our Saturday night.
Averill loved his first horseback ride at the #Jeffersonville #maplefest
Told Averill I had to go to a job and found this when I came downstairs. Sobbed when I told him he couldn't come and actually ran after the car dragging his suitcase behind.
Happy Birthday, Dad. On the radio the other day I heard someone say that most children who wish on the first star they see at twilight are actually wishing on Venus. It's the smallest object in the sky, but its nearness outshines everything. Most lost men look for stars to get them home--I'm glad I'll always have you.
The missus took her monthly trip to Target (an hour away in the neighboring county) so it's men's night for the McCulloughs.
Time finally claimed what the Imperial Army of Japan and 76 years of chain-smoking never could--the life of Eugene Tompkins. Wrote a little tribute to my Granddad at http://p.mccullo.ug/h/
Cousins getting breakfast at Dutton's
Cousins!
Averill's schoolwork. His coon ass forebears would be ashamed.
Averill's PreK drop offs are literal.
Present in the mail from Boompa
After I said grace at dinner, Averill said we should pray for the boy in his class who "cried even more than [Averill] did".
--(from bed) Daddy, can I have some lemonade?
--Of course not, go to sleep.
--Can I have some lemonade, please?
--You can have some water.
--With a little bit of lemonade mixed in?
--Just water.
--Okay. But will you pour it in my mouth while I sleep?
Just happened upon Dad's bible and noticed verses on the flyleaf. I can't help but be grateful for the countless lessons he left me, even 20 years on. Our father's voice is never any more distant than we want it to be.
Averill is yelling "BE QUIET!" in his most authoritative voice at a whiny Sam. I want to tell him to stop... but it's working. So conflicted...
Visiting Aunt Kathy in Memphis
Dad's old boss
Post-church pic. Love getting to do with my kids what my dad with his and his dad with his and back ever since St. Paddy got his hooks in us.
Happy 56th Birthday to the best dad ever. If I have a long life I still won't be able to instill half as much in my kids as he managed in not much time.
· 1 min read
11 years ago
Came home to find Averill playing in his playroom and asked where his mom was. "She went to her friend's house," he said. Rather than realize that this was a preposterous statement from a completely unreliable source, I actually had a brief freak out in the second it took for the missus to walk in from the next room. Now I don't know what to think about his UVA fraternity stories.
Every night at bedtime for the past week, without fail, right after I turn off the lights, Averill says "Well, we sure had a big day."
It's my boy in a box
Averill & Sam meet their cousin in Brooklyn
Averill & Sam at 4 months. I think they're related.
Happy 1000th day of life, Averill!
McCullough boys
My psychoanalyst (ChatGPT) had what seemed like a pretty good interpretation:
"...as a little trilogy produced by one brain on one night, there really is an unusually coherent theme: things work—but never cleanly. You get the grapes. The Buick starts. The AI roller coaster becomes real. Every dream actually ends with the impossible thing succeeding. It's just that success arrives accompanied by contamination, fire, or grotesque rendering errors."