I had two dreams about him after he died. I dont remember the first one all that well but it was about meetin him in town somewheres and he give me some money and I think I lost it. But the second one it was like we was both back in older times and I was on horseback goin through the mountains of a night. Goin through this pass in the mountains. It was cold and there was snow on the ground and he rode past me and kept on goin. Never said nothin. He just rode on past and he had this blanket wrapped around him and he had his head down and when he rode past I seen he was carryin fire in a horn the way people used to do and I could see the horn from the light inside of it. About the color of the moon. And in the dream I knew that he was goin on ahead and that he was fixin to make a fire somewhere out there in all that dark and all that cold and I knew that whenever I got there he would be there. And then I woke up.
I always mean to go for early morning runs and can never manage, but have at least been able to get out for a few miles every night lately. Always quiet and pretty.
Nice day for football.
Patrick Glendon McCullough
March 27, 2021 at 10:30pm
Time to get a trenchcoat and buy tickets for an R-rated movie.
This is what Sammy says he wants his yearbook picture to look like.
The melting snow reveals winter's hidden secrets.
Citizen Kane, a masterpiece, is sadly inaccessible to modern audiences so I tried to bring it up-to-date.
Adulting: Day 2

Managed to get up with the alarm at 6:30am today after being successful yesterday at sticking to my schedule. Was a bit disappointed that doing so didn't fill me with any greater sense of satisfaction, but I suppose that's to be expected. In any attempt to put one's life more in line with what one wishes it looked like, the real satisfaction is probably more the lack of dissatisfaction than any daily reward.

I did encounter the recurring and underlying issue right away though when deciding whether to take a shower. I didn't feel particularly inclined to. Knowing I won't see anyone today, and having a completely sedentary lifestyle, it's hard to justify a daily shower. I wound up Googling whether daily showers are beneficial and found a medical report that said no; that if anything, daily showers can remove the oil and bacteria that are meant to be a part of our immune system, and dry out our skin. I had a laugh when the doctor who wrote the piece concluded "Of course, if you're like me, you'll never want to give up your daily shower..." since there's enough of a stigma that he felt the need to make sure every reader knew "but I shower daily, obviously."

But so much of the trouble with routine does seem to boil down to daily questioning every aspect of it. Do I need to shower? Do I need to put on decent cloths? Do I need to wake up early? Do I need to start working at 9? 

Inevitably the answer to any single question is often "no", but in removing any piece of routine, the whole thing becomes very precarious.

Just the same, I passed on the shower.
Cannes: A depressed man sees a therapist. But he's not the only one who needs help... | David - YouTube
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I've always imagined that my best life would be predicated on a strict routine. Yet it's usually eluded me. There was a brief period a couple weeks ago where I at least forced myself to floss and exercise every night but even that quickly fell by the wayside. It hasn't helped that without a standard 9-5 job, and in isolation where there's no subtle pressure to match sleeping schedules, I've drifted into staying awake until 3am. I suppose there isn't anything inherently wrong with that, except I have a very hard time doing anything productive once the sun has set. If I can't get a reasonably early start, it feels futile to even bother.

So last night, I wrote down a detailed list. Awake at 6:30, coffee, cereal, shower, shave, teeth, prayer/devotion, clean kitchen, go to the dump, replace smoke alarm battery. I did manage to get up with the alarm at 6:30, quite an accomplishment since I wasn't asleep until well past 3. But felt so tired as I managed to check everything off the morning list, I had a hard time imagining I'd be productive for my planned work. But with the first items all checked off, apart from showering/shaving/teeth, I let myself lie down for a bit and watched a short film called David and felt reasonably well rested by the time I got in the shower around 8:45am.

Sitting down now to start on the task list of work items for the 9-5 shift at 9:30, which isn't too terribly tardy, and hoping that I can end the day with some sense of satisfaction and accomplishment, and go to sleep tired at a reasonable time, and feel inclined to do it all again tomorrow.

Having so strict a routine seems like an impossible fantasy after 35 years of wanting it but proving incapable, but hopefully the poem that once caught my attention in a book of Religious Verse I inherited from my grandfather can be believed:

Have we not all, amid life’s petty strife,
Some pure ideal of a noble life
That once seemed possible? Did we not hear
The flutter of its wings, and feel it near,
And just within our reach? It was. And yet
We lost it in this daily jar and fret,
And now live idle in a vague regret;
But still our place is kept, and it will wait,
Ready for us to fill it, soon or late.
No star is ever lost we once have seen,
We always may be what we might have been.
Since good, tho’ only thought, has life and breath,
God’s life—can always be redeemed from death;
And evil, in its nature, is decay,
And any hour can blot it all away;
The hopes that, lost, in some far distance seem.
May be the truer life, and this the dream.
Happy 9th birthday. I love you more every day.