#training

30 days until 5k

Stayed up later than I should have last night to watch the new Rick and Morty at 11pm. But still managed to peel myself out of bed at 5:30am. Had a bit less dread than yesterday.

But stepping onto the treadmill, I felt preemptively exhausted. Even beyond the looming physical suffering is the boredom. I don't want to do anything so monotonous for fifteen minutes.

But I started. Started with Could Have Been Me by The Struts, then Holy Grail (feat. Justin Timberlake) by JAY-Z, then Kashmir by Led Zeppelin, though a couple minutes in I skipped to Knights of Cydonia by Muse.

Same experience as always. No easier or less unpleasant. One-and-a-half minutes in I'm thinking I might just do seven minutes and tell myself at least I got up and came to the gym, that's what it's all about. Or just do ten and say it's a rest day, or maybe do twenty minutes, but with walking integrated.

Then I hit ten minutes and figure I can do eleven, and by then I know I'll push through to fifteen. But will I go longer? By thirteen I know I am definitely not going longer. And the last minute is agony.

I rewarded myself by not doing any other exercise. After I'd gotten my wind back I walked home (after swinging by the corner store for a new can opener). Weighed in at 176.2lbs, 1.5lbs more than before I started running, but as I always say, the numbers are negligible and weight loss is easy if that's my goal. But it isn't; I just want to make sure I have enough in the tank for the morning run and ultimately the 5k. I imagine weight loss will be a natural consequence, but it doesn't matter.

31 days until 5k

Woke up to the 5:30 alarm with something not unlike dread. Setting a goal of daily improvement is terrible because every day is hard and you wake up knowing the coming day will be harder still. And it's embarrassing knowing that most of my friends could probably wake up hungover on three hours of sleep and run a 5k.

Nevertheless I got up, consoling myself that going to the gym and doing worse than the day before is much better than skipping it altogether. On the way out I peeked into Sammy's bedroom and was happy to see his leg peeking from his blanket, dangling over the edge of his bed. Sundays are usually great and awful because I wake and the boys are here, but I know I'll have to drive them back in the evening and drive back alone for another week of work. But I have Sammy through next Sunday so it's the rare wonderful day where I wake and he's here and when I go to sleep he'll be here.

It really was pitiful how much I didn't want to do it standing on the treadmill, dragging out my little stretches. But eventually I started and as always, by 1m30s, I had determined ten minutes was probably out of the question today. Just an endless mental stream of hopelessness, prayer while I listened to Knights of Cydonia.

I was genuinely surprised when I hit a mile, then ten minutes, then each thirty second interval after. It was probably around the thirteen minute mark that I thought I might actually be able to do fifteen, and I did.

Whatever pleasure or satisfaction I felt quickly dissipated against the realization I'd feel like I have to do it again or more tomorrow. And eventually thirty minutes, then faster, then on an incline, then outdoors off a treadmill.

Weighed in at 175lbs, which is more than when I started, but I wasn't surprised since I sort of pigged out with Sammy yesterday, and the losses since I started on Wednesday have all been negligible anyway.

For the second day in a row someone on the street expressed their appreciation for my t-shirt, which says "Jesus Loves You". I need to wash it though as it smells increasingly like old lasagna.

32 days until 5k

Wasn't sure whether I'd get up and go today seeing as it's Saturday and I need to drive upstate to get my son, but it's easier for me to be extreme with a habit; breaks have a way of lasting. And the magical thing about getting up at 5:30 is that it gives you time for anything.

I was uneasy since I fasted yesterday, apart from a post-workout protein shake and some popcorn at Film Forum (went to see White Nights). I did want to try and fast track some weight loss, but mostly I just wanted a reset because I think I've been doing some eating-out-of-boredom lately and taking a day to ignore all cues seems like a good way to reset that.

But I managed to continue the slow gradual climb, and stayed on the treadmill for thirteen minutes. I HATE running. Usually around the two minute mark I start saying there's no way I can even make five minutes. I don't want to do it, I'm uncomfortable. But it ends up being a good spiritual experience as I spend the entire time praying for strength I don't possess to keep going. And every time I hit ten minutes I'm amazed. It's like everything else in my life. I feel totally incapable, but somehow, through God's grace, I manage. It's nice to have such a clear, finite, concrete example to start every day.

Weighed in at 173.8lbs this morning. Interesting that it's essentially the same negligible reduction I've had every day since I started, even though I consumed less than 1000 calories yesterday. Good reminder that it's better or the same to eat healthy rather than fast.

33 days until 5k

Went to bed at a reasonable time last night and woke around 3:45am from a dream in which I was on a high school band trip with Ariana Grande. Checked my phone and was delighted to see I could sleep for another hour and forty-five minutes.

When the alarm did go off, it wasn't hard to get up. Guess on day three I've started to adapt. Did my shot of concentrated coffee, then headed down, dropping off my daily letter to Averill at camp into the mailbox on 9th Street and 1st Avenue en route to the gym.

Managed 12.5 minutes today, which felt like a decent milestone. Bit more each day. Was pleasantly surprised since I'd gone for a 6 mile stroll last night and felt a bit sore.

Weighed in at 174lbs flat this morning. So down another 1/3 of a pound, but these amounts are negligible. I could eat nothing today and be 176lbs tomorrow, I think.