#psychology

Vivid dreams lately.

Two nights ago: I'd found some grand beautiful house in New Jersey I was thinking about buying (though I knew I couldn't afford it). Two friends suggested, as an alternative, that I look into affordable housing in New Jersey and guided me through a tour of a dim apartment with narrow halls filled with piles of clothes and black cats. It was depressing.

Last night I dreamed that I was staying with an older friend and sitting moping on his couch. He was trying to cheer me up telling me I wasn't going to die and that I should have breakfast. So I put some oatmeal into his microwave, but thoughtlessly had it in a metal cup so it started sparking and the oatmeal expanded and was pouring out of the microwave. Then my friend collapsed, clearly having a heart attack. He put me off calling for help, but eventually gave in and I ran outside to get a signal and luckily there was a parade of nurses going by. A couple went in to help, then more and more until the house was packed and one of them started to say it was too crowded and lamented the fact that there was no doctor among them.

😬

😳

Another day of 1.5 miles at 7mph. Felt maybe a bit harder than the day before, probably fewer calories to burn. But really I'm sure it's almost entirely psychological. I've been covering up the treadmill display so I can't hyperfocus on the timer / progress. When I finally uncovered it toward the end and saw I was at 1.43 miles, I could feel it getting harder as if my body knew I would let it stop soon and was pushing the incentive to not try and go further.

Again trying to analyze what it is exactly that inclines me to stop. My legs are a bit tight with the exertion, but it's not that uncomfortable. My breathing is sort of heavy and irregular, but I don't think it's failing to get enough oxygen. Best guess at this point is that it's sort of subconsciously distressing to not be able to breathe easily.

Scale said I dropped another pound, to 155.5.

😬

Antici